And the Lord Said Unto Them...

Today let's talk about our fellow employees in the retail trenches. These people are your fellow cohorts in the daily stupidity and shenanigans you'll experience in the workplace. Often times you'll be each others sounding board on that particularly douchey customer or another example of your manager's complete ineptitude. They will often be your partners in crime in slacking off at work or drowning your sorrows after shift at the pub. Hell, some of my best friends I've met have been through our shared time in a hellish retail environment. They are needed allies in your fight against human stupidity and will get you through anything.



Let's smile really creepily at the customers. It will be hilarious!




 

There is however the flip side of this. Often times you'll encounter some real assholes you have decided to work in your store. Be it the know it all lifers (Seriously, you could do any other job on the planet. Why put yourself through this as a career?) the backstabbers, willing to rat you out to the boss the first chance they get, or just plain ol' dummies. One will encounter every single one of these in any sort of retail environment. They all suck and fuck them. This is why it is crucial to find that other person you work with a shared distaste for people in general. Seriously, it may be one of the only things that can get you through the day at work.

I bring this up because I've dealt with a spectrum of good and bad employees both as a co worker and as a manager. Yes, I was once management (boooo, hiss.) C'mon though, do you think I would put other people through the shitty way I was treated when I was at the bottom of the ladder? Never. Mama didn't raise no fool. I've even dealt with some real winners as a manager. Here's a yarn about one:

Jesus, Take the Wheel

In another life, I managed people. I told them what to do and where to be at certain times of the day. It was really weird and enthralling. All this power but really nothing to back it up. Anyway, during one summer day I went out to one of the positions of my place of employment to check on a troublesome employee. He was a pain in the ass because he constantly showed up late, was a moron and just generally irksome. A few days before all this I caught him sleeping in a storage closet during his shift. That's some pretty crafty shit right there but not during the summer, which was our peak time of business. Anywho, I went out to check on him only to find him not there. This guy left his cash register for all the world to see and possibly think about stealing. I asked the other people on shift where he might have been and they had no idea as this was a really busy day for us. So I went on the search...

I ended up finding him in the parking garage adjacent to work. He was just standing there, doing nothing, which in turn caused me to see red. I demanded to know what the hell he was doing and why he had left work. He responded "I needed a moment with Jesus."

I NEEDED A MOMENT WITH JESUS

No, no, no. Take your moment with Jesus during your break or on your own time, not during a shift. I really wasn't sure what to say after that. It was so random that I was taken aback and needed a moment to think of a response. I rubbed my temples and told him to clean out his locker and leave immediately. Oh, and don't bother coming back because you're fired. There, now you can have all the free time you want with Jesus.

Sorry you lost your job bro, but I'm kinda busy.