The Running of the Bulls (If Bulls Were Savings Mad Consumers)

I've decided to have the first Black Friday feature be about a time I worked a Black Friday. For those of you not in the know, Black Friday is the day after Thanksgiving and when store decide to slash prices and have crazy sales. You'll often see a story on your local news of people camping outside a store a week beforehand just to get first dibs on what the retailer has to offer that year. It's really fucking crazy and stupid. My brother does this every year. I once went with him and we spent the evening huddled for warmth outside of a Wal-Mart so he could buy a $300 48" flat screen TV, or something like that. What I didn't mention is that where I'm from in November it's really goddamn cold. We're talking low 20's, easily. Long story short, it's a waste of time when you can easily shop on Cyber Monday (the Monday after Thanksgiving, plus you get to shop from the comfort of your home wearing nothing but underpants). Still a lot of people go apeshit for it. Not those of us who have to work during it. To us, it's like watching wild hyenas battle each other over a gazelle carcass. It's some crazy stuff and kind of makes you question where we stand as a society if we are willing to duke it out over material goods.

Outside a Target in KY, 2012. Two people were shot that night. The real tragedy is that someone in this era still rocks a mullet.

 

So without further ado, here's one of my Black Friday stories...

My Kingdom for a Cookie Jar

During college I worked at a major department store as seasonal help. We were warned by management that Black Friday was serious business and that people might go a little crazy during the day. I had never even heard of Black Friday and brushed this off as yet another instance of the managers blowing things out of proportion. Oh, how wrong I was.

Turns out I had to be at work at 3 AM that day. Who the fuck wants to be at work that early? Not me, that's for sure. When I drove into the parking lot there was already a line a block long of people waiting to get in at 4 AM. I was not prepared for that. I got out of the car and made my way in. As I was trying to enter, an elderly woman started screaming "HOW COME SHE GETS TO GO IN EARLY!?" motioning towards me. I told her I worked there but she still tried to push her way in. Nice try, ma'am, but you have to wait just like everyone else.

So I got in and manned my station at the register. At 4 AM a rush of people came in, running through the aisles, grabbing what the could of the sales items we had. One of those items was a snowman cookie jar that were selling for $6.99. Holy shit, you'd think we were selling sacks of cash the way these people were going insane for them. After about 10 minutes there were all gone and the line formed. One good thing about Black Friday is that you're so busy you don't even notice that you're shift flies by, so there's something good out of it. Anyway, during the madness a woman came up to me and demanded one of the cookie jars. Sorry, we're out. She then proceeded to slump down to the floor and begin sobbing/yelling at me. "I NEED THAT COOKIE JAR! YOU SHOULD HAVE HAD MORE! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME." Yes, we purposely set a certain amount so that you could specifically couldn't have one. We're evil geniuses like that.

No cookie jar? WHAT'S THE POINT OF LIVING?

 

I then called security. She was escorted out and vowed to sue the company for the treatment she received. Good luck with that. Maybe we'll see the case on Judge Joe Brown (That show rules!)