Let's Have a Toast to the Douchebags

I enjoy a pint every now and then (more like now, right now) just like every red blooded American. Being in the retail industry one often turns to the good stuff in order to numb the pain of having to deal with the headaches of the workday. Be it at the pub with coworkers after an exceptionally long shift or alone, crying in your shower, alcohol helps sooth the pain of dealing with bullshit retail problems. There is a downside however. Sometimes one can get a little too dependent on the sauce and find it's the only way to get through a shift. So what I'm trying to tell you here is everything in moderation people. Have a Scotch every now and again but not 4 in one night (like me, shh). Find something else constructive to get the angries out. Might I suggest punching orphans or knitting? Again, everything in moderation. This all leads to today's story...

Starting a fight club is a great way to release stress.

Well I Like Drinking on a Monday Morning

For many a summers I worked on a boat. I did various jobs on the boat like tour guide, ticket sales, sea shanty chanteuse (say that 3 times fast) etc. The job kinda sucked but it offered the opportunity to make a decent amount of money, hang out with rad people and party all the time, just like that Eddie Murphy song suggested I do. The main downside is that the boats mainly catered to out of state tourists who are quite possibly the worst type of customer. They are frightened visitors with a false sense of suburban entitlement who feel the need to take their aggression out on you. An example was when a man tried to argue with me about the architectural history of a building. I mean, what would I know? I only lived in the city and gave the tour every fucking day whereas this man had read something in a tour guide (those things are bullshit, by the way) and fancies himself the next I.M. Pei. But, I digress.

One summer I got the chance to be a bartender on one of the charter boats. This was one of the prime jobs as it meant tips and the chance to steal liquor from the bar (almost everyone in the company was a substance abusing thief.) Finally I got my chance to be behind the bar, slinging drinks. Keep in mind I had no idea what the hell I was doing as I had no experience mixing drinks and having to talk to drunk people makes my skin crawl but I did it anyway, for a while at least until one afternoon when everything went to hell.

Every Sunday we had a brunch cruise or as we like to call it "Hell on the High Seas." It would be filled with annoying families and unlimited bacon. So, so much bacon. There were also bottomless Mimosas which gave old ladies an excuse to get shnockered at 11 AM. This particular day a girl who just turned 21 decided to take full advantage of the orgy of bacon and Mimosas and got a little out of hand.

About every 5 minutes she would come up to the bar and demand a new drink despite being told several times that a server would bring it to her. She would hear none of that and as time passed, and more liquor was consumed, her voice level got higher and the speech slurrier (not a word but let's run with it). The final time she came to the bar I asked her to sit down or I would have her removed from the dining room. She took that as a sign to grab a champagne glass, attempt to throw it at me and then slump over the bar while vomiting uncontrollably (fucking amateur hour shit right here). Luckily the boat's crew was right there and escorted the lovely young woman to the "brig" (it was just a room at the top of the ship where we put drunk/out of control guests) and let her sleep it off.

So I guess the moral of this story is don't eat a massive amount of bacon while consuming a bathtub full of cheap Champagne (Andre, ya'll!) Or do, but only if you're a licensed professional. Or if your hanging out with Tom Hanks.

This guy knows what's up.

The Keys to Life

Stop what you're doing and read this article right now: We treat you like a dick because you're acting like one  That's what it should have been titled anyway. To sum it up it basically says if you're going to be an asshole you will be treated as such. So don't act like an asshole. Use this way for other parts of your life as well. Oh, and if you go to a store and decide you don't want an item, don't just put it anywhere. Place it back in its proper home. Remember; someone's gotta put that back and it's super annoying to find ice cream in the feminine hygiene aisle. See? Not only do you get hilarious stories from this blog but also tips on life.

I Want to Marry my Bed

Not gonna lie gang, I'm a bit on the tired side. Silly me decided to get another job and it's full time with super early morning hours. Why did I do that? Well, it's doing something I love and it was a goal I've been shooting for a while. The best part? I can listen to whatever the fuck I want and don't have to talk to any customers. I'm living the dream here folks. What that means for today's post is that I'm tired and can't think of any humorous stories to share so I'm going to be lazy and do a FAQ. Let's go!


Why did you start this blog?
To share the pain/hilarity of my time in retail. Maybe get others to laugh and share their own stories.


Where do you work?
At a place that exchanges goods for legal tender. As I have stated before, I still have a job there and need to keep that information to myself.


Is working in retail really that bad?
Yes and No. I've had a lot of pleasant experiences working the retail/customer service racket. In fact, 99 out of 100 customers are great but there's always that 1 asshole who ruins it for everyone. Sometimes even 2, depending on the day, cycle of the moon, etc.


What would happen if your work found about this blog?
I would be fired and that would suck. Eating and having a place to live are pretty great so I'd like to keep doing those things.


Do you plan on working in retail forever?
Fuck no.


What are your plans for this blog?
I have no idea. Just seeing where it takes me. Hopefully a lucrative endorsement or a pile of cash.


How long have you worked in retail/customer service?
Far, far too long.


I have a question/story/killer chili recipe I'd like to share. How do I do that?
E-mail me at clicheguevara8@gmail.com  P.S. I do love chili.


What do you think will happen at the end of Breaking Bad?
Skylar and Jesse team up to destroy Walt but by then he will have become an almighty, all knowing wizard and cast them into the Cracks of Doom. Also, there will be ice cream (Note: I have never watched Breaking Bad.)


Who are some of your influences as you write this blog?
Dante Hicks, Malcolm Tucker (If you haven't watched 'The Thick of It' yet I highly suggest you stop what you're doing and find it on Netflix), Mostly any cynical smart ass.


That's it for today. I'll have an actual story tomorrow. In the meantime, here's an awesome picture of Prince drinking a Coke.

Oh how I love the internet.

The Running of the Bulls (If Bulls Were Savings Mad Consumers)

I've decided to have the first Black Friday feature be about a time I worked a Black Friday. For those of you not in the know, Black Friday is the day after Thanksgiving and when store decide to slash prices and have crazy sales. You'll often see a story on your local news of people camping outside a store a week beforehand just to get first dibs on what the retailer has to offer that year. It's really fucking crazy and stupid. My brother does this every year. I once went with him and we spent the evening huddled for warmth outside of a Wal-Mart so he could buy a $300 48" flat screen TV, or something like that. What I didn't mention is that where I'm from in November it's really goddamn cold. We're talking low 20's, easily. Long story short, it's a waste of time when you can easily shop on Cyber Monday (the Monday after Thanksgiving, plus you get to shop from the comfort of your home wearing nothing but underpants). Still a lot of people go apeshit for it. Not those of us who have to work during it. To us, it's like watching wild hyenas battle each other over a gazelle carcass. It's some crazy stuff and kind of makes you question where we stand as a society if we are willing to duke it out over material goods.

Outside a Target in KY, 2012. Two people were shot that night. The real tragedy is that someone in this era still rocks a mullet.

 

So without further ado, here's one of my Black Friday stories...

My Kingdom for a Cookie Jar

During college I worked at a major department store as seasonal help. We were warned by management that Black Friday was serious business and that people might go a little crazy during the day. I had never even heard of Black Friday and brushed this off as yet another instance of the managers blowing things out of proportion. Oh, how wrong I was.

Turns out I had to be at work at 3 AM that day. Who the fuck wants to be at work that early? Not me, that's for sure. When I drove into the parking lot there was already a line a block long of people waiting to get in at 4 AM. I was not prepared for that. I got out of the car and made my way in. As I was trying to enter, an elderly woman started screaming "HOW COME SHE GETS TO GO IN EARLY!?" motioning towards me. I told her I worked there but she still tried to push her way in. Nice try, ma'am, but you have to wait just like everyone else.

So I got in and manned my station at the register. At 4 AM a rush of people came in, running through the aisles, grabbing what the could of the sales items we had. One of those items was a snowman cookie jar that were selling for $6.99. Holy shit, you'd think we were selling sacks of cash the way these people were going insane for them. After about 10 minutes there were all gone and the line formed. One good thing about Black Friday is that you're so busy you don't even notice that you're shift flies by, so there's something good out of it. Anyway, during the madness a woman came up to me and demanded one of the cookie jars. Sorry, we're out. She then proceeded to slump down to the floor and begin sobbing/yelling at me. "I NEED THAT COOKIE JAR! YOU SHOULD HAVE HAD MORE! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME." Yes, we purposely set a certain amount so that you could specifically couldn't have one. We're evil geniuses like that.

No cookie jar? WHAT'S THE POINT OF LIVING?

 

I then called security. She was escorted out and vowed to sue the company for the treatment she received. Good luck with that. Maybe we'll see the case on Judge Joe Brown (That show rules!)

 

That Mysterious Stain on the Carpet Really Sets the Mood

We'll get to today's story in just a moment but I wanted to debut a new feature we'll be having here at the blog. Starting tomorrow (yay Friday. Oh wait, you work retail so Fridays don't exist. Ha, sucker.) we'll be rolling out our new "Black Friday" feature which will be stories from you, the reader. Or, if none of you dicks decide to send anything I'll just use a story from one of my friends. So if you'd like to share one of your retail horror stories, email me at clicheguevara8@gmail.com and I'll pick the best one. Your prize will be a gift certificate to the store you work at (Prize not valid in the US and doesn't actually exist.) With that out of the way let's get to the meat and potatoes.

 

Let's Make This Awkward for Everyone Involved

One of my favorite jobs ever was being a clerk at a video store. We got to watch movies all day and since our boss didn't really give two fuck about the place, we were pretty much free to do whatever we wanted. The only weird part about was that there was a section downstairs entirely dedicated to porn. A porn room, if you will. To top this off the owner was really sketchy and only hired females to work there since he had this backwards notion that if a man worked there all they would do is spend time in said room. That might be true back then, I guess. This was before the internet fully controlled our lives. Anyway, there was a porn room. It had saloon style doors but you could see into the room of sin through the top and bottom of the doors. It really has useless. Plus we always had to stop teenage boys from trying to sneak in there (maybe the owner was right.) There were also creeps that came in and jacked it to the boxes and spent way too much time looking around but that became the norm. However there was this one time shit got a little to cray.

At this point I had been made a closing supervisor which really just meant I got to count money and sit in the office and abuse the phone by making long distance calls (I AM RESPONSIBLE) so really it was a bullshit title. One day another girl and I were working the closing shift and we were hanging out at the counter waiting for the clock to strike 11, when we closed. With about 10 minutes before the chance of escape a couple walks in looking to rent a movie. Fine, what the fuck ever, just make it snappy. They then make there way to the porn room, which is kinda strange because we never saw women go in there let alone a couple. This piqued our interest so we went to the top of the stairs to look and see what they were doing. I really wish we hadn't because as soon as we did we saw the woman on her knees pleasuring her gentleman friend. EW. As disgusting as it was we couldn't turn away and she was really going to town. At that point the urge to leave outweighed seeing that shitshow so I got on the intercom and said "Sorry to interrupt your fun time down there amongst stranger's ejaculation stains but we're closing now." They quickly got up and left. Thank goodness.

Take your filth to Blockbuster, ya sickos!

And the Lord Said Unto Them...

Today let's talk about our fellow employees in the retail trenches. These people are your fellow cohorts in the daily stupidity and shenanigans you'll experience in the workplace. Often times you'll be each others sounding board on that particularly douchey customer or another example of your manager's complete ineptitude. They will often be your partners in crime in slacking off at work or drowning your sorrows after shift at the pub. Hell, some of my best friends I've met have been through our shared time in a hellish retail environment. They are needed allies in your fight against human stupidity and will get you through anything.



Let's smile really creepily at the customers. It will be hilarious!




 

There is however the flip side of this. Often times you'll encounter some real assholes you have decided to work in your store. Be it the know it all lifers (Seriously, you could do any other job on the planet. Why put yourself through this as a career?) the backstabbers, willing to rat you out to the boss the first chance they get, or just plain ol' dummies. One will encounter every single one of these in any sort of retail environment. They all suck and fuck them. This is why it is crucial to find that other person you work with a shared distaste for people in general. Seriously, it may be one of the only things that can get you through the day at work.

I bring this up because I've dealt with a spectrum of good and bad employees both as a co worker and as a manager. Yes, I was once management (boooo, hiss.) C'mon though, do you think I would put other people through the shitty way I was treated when I was at the bottom of the ladder? Never. Mama didn't raise no fool. I've even dealt with some real winners as a manager. Here's a yarn about one:

Jesus, Take the Wheel

In another life, I managed people. I told them what to do and where to be at certain times of the day. It was really weird and enthralling. All this power but really nothing to back it up. Anyway, during one summer day I went out to one of the positions of my place of employment to check on a troublesome employee. He was a pain in the ass because he constantly showed up late, was a moron and just generally irksome. A few days before all this I caught him sleeping in a storage closet during his shift. That's some pretty crafty shit right there but not during the summer, which was our peak time of business. Anywho, I went out to check on him only to find him not there. This guy left his cash register for all the world to see and possibly think about stealing. I asked the other people on shift where he might have been and they had no idea as this was a really busy day for us. So I went on the search...

I ended up finding him in the parking garage adjacent to work. He was just standing there, doing nothing, which in turn caused me to see red. I demanded to know what the hell he was doing and why he had left work. He responded "I needed a moment with Jesus."

I NEEDED A MOMENT WITH JESUS

No, no, no. Take your moment with Jesus during your break or on your own time, not during a shift. I really wasn't sure what to say after that. It was so random that I was taken aback and needed a moment to think of a response. I rubbed my temples and told him to clean out his locker and leave immediately. Oh, and don't bother coming back because you're fired. There, now you can have all the free time you want with Jesus.

Sorry you lost your job bro, but I'm kinda busy.

Let's Get Creepy

Is it just me or do people lose their minds when they go out shopping? We often see numerous stories, especially during the Christmas season, of people trampling over each other to get a deal on the hot item of the year. It's really fucking scary that people would resort to this sort of behavior in public. Now just imagine you're working there and witness this crazy shit. We would gasp in horror but for the majority of us the anti-social behavior of shoppers has deaden us to any sort of chaos.

I NEED THAT $5 TOASTER!

                                                                                          

Then again, there are the few instances in which a person goes above and beyond crazy and it really gets to us retail workers. The following is one of my stories:

IT PUTS THE LOTION ON IT'S SKIN OR IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN!

My first job was at a dollar store when I was 17. I really had no interest in working there but my mother insisted I not spend the summer loafing around her couch. So she marched in there and demanded they give me a job. They did, hoo-fucking-ray (sarcasm doesn't translate well over the internet.)

Thus began my illustrious career in the retail world. Everyday I would go in, push buttons on a register and wish I was anywhere but there. It was really the easiest job in the world and despite customers trying to haggle me down on the price (It's a fucking a dollar, simmer down) I had no problem with it. Until one day, I had a very strange encounter...

I was standing at the register, checking out a customer, as per usual. Let me say that this woman was around 300 pounds, sweaty and hardly wearing any clothes. Granted it was mid-July but still, c'mon lady. Anyway, as I told her the total she reached into her tank top, then her bra and proceeded to hand me a very wet and moist wad of bills. Inside my head I was screaming, inside my stomach I was trying to hold in vomit. As I reluctantly took her sweaty boob money, she grabbed my hands and said this to me: "You've got really soft hands." Now would be the time my head exploded into a thousand pieces. She then asked what sort of lotion I used. I calmly moved my hands back and told her Jergens, put the money in the till and signaled for the next customer in line.

Love the skin you're in but don't fucking touch me.

.

This still haunts me to this day and may explain why I don't like being touched by people.

Was There Anything I Can Help You Find Today?

Welcome!

First off, let me welcome you all to the blog. What the intended purpose of my writing is to basically bitch and moan about working a retail/customer service job. I would like to point out that I am grateful to have a job and about 60% of what it entails isn't that bad. However, the other 40% of it far out shadows the good. That being said, this blog will be about shitty customers, terrible coworkers, incompetent management, etc. Names and dates will be changed to protect the innocent, namely me as I am still employed at my job. I'll also throw in some stories about my former jobs in retail/customer service and those are a doozie. There will also be tales from my friends and colleagues as well as you, the reader. Again, names and all that jazz will be changed so as not to identify the person. So, with all that being said let's get to the good stuff.

How Much is that Dead Doggie in the Window?

A few weeks ago my place of work kept getting phone calls everyday from the same customer. Normally this isn't a big deal but what this woman was asking for was a bit strange. She was looking for one of these...

You're probably wondering what that is. It's a fucking urn for a dog's ashes. Creepy, no? This is probably an item you want to ask your vet about where to get one. Seems like a logical idea right? Wrong. This woman kept calling insisting we had them or at least an item similar to it. Now granted, my store sells a lot of crazy shit but dog urns are not one of them.


On the 4th day she had called I had the luck of answering the phone when she called. I kept it calm and civil as I do with most of the batshit loonies that call/come in. As the call progressed she grew more and more irate that I could not find the item she was looking for. I get that you're upset ma'am but yelling to a stranger on the phone isn't going to help matters. I suggested a few options for her such as a jewelry box or other small wooden box but she wasn't having any of it.


After about 15 minutes of this back and forth she proceeded to tell me about the dog and it's life. This isn't something I prepared to hear first thing in the morning. I also felt bad because I like dogs and losing one sucks. However, let's not forget the fact that if you die and no one finds the body quickly a dog will eat you. Cats too. Never forget that folks.


Finally I had enough and put the phone down while she continued to yammer away. I went and got a cup of coffee and attempted to regain my senses. She was still talking when I picked up the phone. At that point the store was about to open so I kindly suggested a few places for her to look and to I don't know, CALL YOUR VET AS THEY WILL KNOW WHERE TO GET A DOG URN! She thanked me and hung up the phone. For the rest of the day this bizarre little vignette stuck with me. I've heard a lot of crazy things in my time and this probably goes down in the top 10.