Youth is a Wonderful Thing. What a Crime to Waste it on Children.

Let me just start out by saying that I don't like children. They are annoying little germ monsters and for those of us who are childless it's a struggle to live with them. Don't get me wrong, not all children are like that. Some kids are lovely, polite little people who are just precious. However, working in retail, you more than likely deal with some shitty kid throwing tantrums and acting like a maniac while their parent just looks on, thinking to themselves "I have such a delightful, unique little snowflake." Wrong! Little junior son of a bitch over there is what's wrong with kids today. In my day (holy fuck I'm old) we were brought up to respect elders and behave out in public or else. For example, if I acted up my mother would take me to the car and smack me upside the head (Editors Note: I am not condoning child abuse in any way, however if you're gonna act like a little shit then you should suffer the consequences.) Because of this my siblings and I were always on our best behavior and knew to toe the line. The fear of God (or wooden spoon) if you will. Does that work for every child? No but you can't just let them run amok out in society. Keep your kids in check, especially at a store. Don't let them run through the aisles, destroying everything in their path. Remember; there are people that have to clean that stuff up and if it were up to us we'd drop kick your child up on out of there. With that, let's get to today's tale.

No, you can't have any candy. Also, there is no Santa Claus.

 

I Hate You

The sound of a child crying cuts through me like a knife. This is one of the main reasons as to why I never plan on having them. That and I'd rather buy a boat then pay for a college tuition. Also, I'm incredibly selfish and impatient . At least I'm honest. Anyway, one of the major contributing factors of my decision has been watching the parent-child interactions at work. Most of the time, the kids are ok but there are sometimes when the child is so misbehaved that I want to punch them in the throat (Again, not condoning child abuse. Although it would seem otherwise.)


One such instance was not to long ago at my place of employment. It's in a high end neighborhood full of shitty people with shitty parenting skill thus causing shitty children. One such child came into the store, screamed the entire time he was there and the mother did little to stop him. He wanted candy, she said no. He then proceeded to knock down a display of chocolates and try to put them in the cart. Mother did nothing and left everything a mess. Then these two came up to my register, the child still wailing, with a handful of candy, which mother bought anyway. Oh, and then the kid threw the candy at me as I was trying to ring it up. Again, mother did nothing and chose to talk on her phone instead. I wanted to let her know that she was doing a bang-up job on raising a future serial killer and/or date rapist. Moral of the story? Don't have kids if you can't keep them in line.

Up With Hope, Down With Dope

Drugs seem to be an underlying problem in the retail sector. Everywhere I've worked there have always been some wackado drug addicts in the joint as well as some well meaning potheads. I used to be one of those potheads. For the longest time I couldn't get through a workday without toking up first, during a break and immediately after shift. I have since learned to squeeze my rage into a tiny ball and bury deep inside, waiting for the right moment to let it out. Usually at a hobo, who is wearing better shoes than I am and talking on a cell phone, asking me for money. But I digress. If one wants to do drugs, fine, that's their choice. However, when it starts affecting those around you in a negative way then it becomes a problem. Like in my previous post about my coked up manager. Keep your shit in check and really, don't do anything harder than marijuana. Meth is a helluva drug and should never be touched. Same thing with computer duster. Didn't you see that episode of "Intervention" with that loco broad that huffed duster? If not, YouTube it right now! With that, let's get today's story...

Or stepping closer to the grave. You know, Yolo or whatever.


 

Nancy Reagan Was Right All Along

My best friend was once a server/dishwasher/jack of all trades at a pizza parlor many years ago. It was down the street from where we lived so it was ultra convenient at the time since we were both smoking a lot of weed and working shit jobs. She basically had the run of the place since most of the time the owner/manager was nowhere to be found. That was pretty cool because we got to hang out, eat free food and smoke in the walk in (Editors Note: Never smoke in the walk in at work. Take that shit outside). After a while of this we began to wonder just where this dude was. One day we found out.

There was a small storage shed outside the place that employees were not allowed to go in. My friend never questioned it as she didn't give two fucks what was going on. During one of her shifts she was taking out the trash and the door to the shed was ajar. She peaked in and finally saw her boss...smoking crack in the shed. He started screaming at her and slammed the door shut. She calmly walked inside and worked the rest of the shift. He later ran in and told her not to tell anyone what was going on or she would be fired. She saved him the trouble and quit that night. Last I heard the place went under due to his drug addiction. Oh well.

Yay! Delicious Crack!
 

It's Good to Laugh

Here are some hilarious links regarding retail/customer service that I enjoy. I laughed and then hung my head in sorrow because it was all true.

http://www.cracked.com/funny-6959-5-types-customers-dreaded-by-grocery-store-cashiers/

Fuck extreme couponers, seriously.


http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/the-most-soul-crushing-things-about-working-retail

There is no God in retail.


http://www.complex.com/style/2013/01/10-ways-to-piss-off-a-retail-employee/

Number One: Just be a customer.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ReU9ucRzU4

Funny video from Australia. See, dumb shit in retail happens everywhere in the world!


Enjoy the links everyone. Hopefully it warms your black little hearts a little bit.

But There Was Dignity in Plastic Seats That Day

One thing I can't stand is someone insulting my intelligence. For some reason it just really grates my cheese when people look down upon me just because I work a retail job. I'm college educated and a hair away from receiving a degree (HOLLA AT HIGHER LEARNING!) For the majority of people out there, especially students, we need retail jobs because they offer flexible scheduling and there's always one out there. No one chooses this as a career. No, it's just a way to get a paycheck and keep oneself in cheap beer ("Mmmm...PBR" said no one ever) and food. However some customers seem to think that a person working in retail is stupid and therefor has the right to talk down to them. Really, no one has any right to talk down to anyone but some people feel it is their life's mission to be a complete jackass to those around them. In short, don't talk to people like they are morons. Unless they really are one and in that case carry on. Here's a little ditty about a time someone called me stupid...




Johnny Cash says it best.

Common Sense is Not So Common

I'm a fairly intelligent person. Always got good grades but alas, my laziness and "fuck 'em all" attitude has kept me from realizing my true potential (Actual quote from my mother. Thanks ma) so I've been a professional student the majority of my adult life while trying to figure out what I wanted to do. In the meantime, I've held a serious of jobs that sucked and did little more than make me question the moral nature of society. All the while I felt my brain slowly melting and kept up on reading and learning to keep myself from being a brain dead zombie. It's worked pretty well so far, I suppose. But there was one day at a previous job that really made me furious and question my own intelligence. Here's how the exchange went:

Me: Ok, your total comes to $49.95
Customer: The sign says $39.99
Me: Yes, but that is the price before tax.
Customer: That's not what the sign says.
Me: Yes, underneath it says "Price before taxes." You do have to pay tax here.
Customer: Unbelievable. You know, maybe if you got an education and were smarter you wouldn't work in a place like this.
Me: Ma'am, I'm in college plus I know how to read signs. I think I'm doing ok here. Perhaps you should brush up on your grasp of written words you would know what my sign clearly says.
Customer: How dare you! Where is your manager!?
Me: Hold on, I'll go get him.


I got a written warning that day for "insubordination" (not sure the boss really knows that that word meant) and being rude to a customer. I regret nothing.

What I did with my written warnings.
 



Is This the 5 O'Clock Free Crack Giveaway?

Bosses are a strange breed and it's luck of the draw as to what type you will have. There is rarely a middle a ground so often times you'll have one that's a raging jagoff or a super cool, laid back person. More so the raging jagoff. Here's a yarn about my first boss and what a fucking delight he was.

Cocaine is a Helluva Drug

I don't respond well to authority and part of that is because a lot of the authority figures in my life have been straight up jerks. Like my first boss. He was the general manager of a dollar store and acted as if he was the King of Siam. Not only did he yell at all the employees on a daily basis but he was also banging two of them despite be a married family man. On top of this he was stealing from the tills to fund his and his hoe-bags blooming cocaine habit. How did I know he was doing coke? Well my first inclination was when I walked into the break room and he was cutting up lines on the table I ate my sandwich at everyday. Real class act right there. This was kind of a weird experience as it was my first job and my first time dealing with a boss. To say it put me off bosses is putting it lightly.

In the end though he ended up firing me. He explanation was that I was a troublemaker and had missed too much time at work. Well, I had missed all that time because my fucking mother had just died and I was grieving with my family. He knew this too because I had told him. As for the troublemaker part, well, that's kind of true I suppose but out of all the employees there I was the most rational and sane. After I left he went on a coke binge, fired the entire staff and ended up getting arrested for possession. Moral of this story? Don't do coke. It turns you into more of a raving asshole than you may already be.

Only this man is allowed to do copious amounts of blow. RIP, super freak.
 

Don't Do What Donny Don't Does

Tired. Zero fucks given right now. You're probably feeling the same way so we're going to keep this post short and sweet. Not so much a post but more of a list of things customers do that drives us retail serfs crazy. So yeah, here we go...

1. Throwing money on the counter.
I'm not some lady of the night you can just throw cash at. I am a gentleman (or lady, whichever you prefer) and should be treated as such. Hand me the money like a human being.

2. Speaking down to me.
We're both humans so let's treat each other with some respect. I'm an educated and well meaning citizen just trying to do my job and the instant you treat me like an idiot is the second I start treating you like an asshole.

3. Leaving the cart out in the parking lot.
Seriously, just bring it back in. It would sure be swell especially if the store doesn't have a cart corral. Plus you get exercise. Bonus fitness!

4. Letting me know another store has the item you want cheaper.
Then go there. Don't come here and waste my time and yours.

5. Interrupting our breaks.
This is the only shining moment we have on shift so if you see a clerk hightailing it to the back leave them alone. Getting in there way has serious consequences (like them doing very little to help you out.)

There's more, probably. If I think of anymore I'll extend the post. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to pass out.

That's all? I do that amount in an hour.

I Saw the Sign

Part of being a functioning member of society is understanding signs around us. I'm not talking about the visual cues or subtle nuances from that cute barista. (She's just not that into you, bro) What I'm talking about are signs that give direction and purpose, like a stop sign or Do Not Feed the Animals. They are all around us and give us the steps and directions we need in life to avoid getting hit by a car or falling down a manhole (Ouch). We blindly follow these signs as they are engrained in us to obey without a second thought but there are other signs in our lives that we blatantly ignore. I'm talking about signs at a store. Whether it be for a sale or where the restroom is, the basic action from customers is to ignore all signs and pester the employees for answers. I know we're there to help but it would take far less time and not send us into murderous rage if people just read signs. I know we can all read (Well, unless you're illiterate.) so there's no excuse. Open your eyes, look at the sign and be on your way. With that, let's get to today's saga...

When the sign says "Don't Feed the Bears", man you better not feed them bears.

Sale Ends Thursday and Today is Friday

My current job is sales crazy. Every fucking day there's a sale on something. It's really a pain to keep a track of them and because of this there are constantly signs throughout the store so I can understand the frustration of a customer. What I will not stand for no reading the signs. It happens on a daily basis and it drives everyone up the wall. Let's add on top of that the fact that most of the signs are left up way past their dates and that seems to be THE ONLY THING THE CUSTOMER SEES. Out of everything else it's the one thing they focus on. Totes annoying.

So everyday we must argue with the customer that the sale is expired and we can't honor the price. Most are ok with it but every now and again you get someone with far too much time on their hands who wants to argue with you. Fuck off, for real. If people spent this much time and energy on other things there would probably be a cure for cancer. But not, let's have a fight about saving 80 cents on a jar of peanut butter. Seriously, fuck right on off.