Youth is a Wonderful Thing. What a Crime to Waste it on Children.

Let me just start out by saying that I don't like children. They are annoying little germ monsters and for those of us who are childless it's a struggle to live with them. Don't get me wrong, not all children are like that. Some kids are lovely, polite little people who are just precious. However, working in retail, you more than likely deal with some shitty kid throwing tantrums and acting like a maniac while their parent just looks on, thinking to themselves "I have such a delightful, unique little snowflake." Wrong! Little junior son of a bitch over there is what's wrong with kids today. In my day (holy fuck I'm old) we were brought up to respect elders and behave out in public or else. For example, if I acted up my mother would take me to the car and smack me upside the head (Editors Note: I am not condoning child abuse in any way, however if you're gonna act like a little shit then you should suffer the consequences.) Because of this my siblings and I were always on our best behavior and knew to toe the line. The fear of God (or wooden spoon) if you will. Does that work for every child? No but you can't just let them run amok out in society. Keep your kids in check, especially at a store. Don't let them run through the aisles, destroying everything in their path. Remember; there are people that have to clean that stuff up and if it were up to us we'd drop kick your child up on out of there. With that, let's get to today's tale.

No, you can't have any candy. Also, there is no Santa Claus.

 

I Hate You

The sound of a child crying cuts through me like a knife. This is one of the main reasons as to why I never plan on having them. That and I'd rather buy a boat then pay for a college tuition. Also, I'm incredibly selfish and impatient . At least I'm honest. Anyway, one of the major contributing factors of my decision has been watching the parent-child interactions at work. Most of the time, the kids are ok but there are sometimes when the child is so misbehaved that I want to punch them in the throat (Again, not condoning child abuse. Although it would seem otherwise.)


One such instance was not to long ago at my place of employment. It's in a high end neighborhood full of shitty people with shitty parenting skill thus causing shitty children. One such child came into the store, screamed the entire time he was there and the mother did little to stop him. He wanted candy, she said no. He then proceeded to knock down a display of chocolates and try to put them in the cart. Mother did nothing and left everything a mess. Then these two came up to my register, the child still wailing, with a handful of candy, which mother bought anyway. Oh, and then the kid threw the candy at me as I was trying to ring it up. Again, mother did nothing and chose to talk on her phone instead. I wanted to let her know that she was doing a bang-up job on raising a future serial killer and/or date rapist. Moral of the story? Don't have kids if you can't keep them in line.

Up With Hope, Down With Dope

Drugs seem to be an underlying problem in the retail sector. Everywhere I've worked there have always been some wackado drug addicts in the joint as well as some well meaning potheads. I used to be one of those potheads. For the longest time I couldn't get through a workday without toking up first, during a break and immediately after shift. I have since learned to squeeze my rage into a tiny ball and bury deep inside, waiting for the right moment to let it out. Usually at a hobo, who is wearing better shoes than I am and talking on a cell phone, asking me for money. But I digress. If one wants to do drugs, fine, that's their choice. However, when it starts affecting those around you in a negative way then it becomes a problem. Like in my previous post about my coked up manager. Keep your shit in check and really, don't do anything harder than marijuana. Meth is a helluva drug and should never be touched. Same thing with computer duster. Didn't you see that episode of "Intervention" with that loco broad that huffed duster? If not, YouTube it right now! With that, let's get today's story...

Or stepping closer to the grave. You know, Yolo or whatever.


 

Nancy Reagan Was Right All Along

My best friend was once a server/dishwasher/jack of all trades at a pizza parlor many years ago. It was down the street from where we lived so it was ultra convenient at the time since we were both smoking a lot of weed and working shit jobs. She basically had the run of the place since most of the time the owner/manager was nowhere to be found. That was pretty cool because we got to hang out, eat free food and smoke in the walk in (Editors Note: Never smoke in the walk in at work. Take that shit outside). After a while of this we began to wonder just where this dude was. One day we found out.

There was a small storage shed outside the place that employees were not allowed to go in. My friend never questioned it as she didn't give two fucks what was going on. During one of her shifts she was taking out the trash and the door to the shed was ajar. She peaked in and finally saw her boss...smoking crack in the shed. He started screaming at her and slammed the door shut. She calmly walked inside and worked the rest of the shift. He later ran in and told her not to tell anyone what was going on or she would be fired. She saved him the trouble and quit that night. Last I heard the place went under due to his drug addiction. Oh well.

Yay! Delicious Crack!
 

It's Good to Laugh

Here are some hilarious links regarding retail/customer service that I enjoy. I laughed and then hung my head in sorrow because it was all true.

http://www.cracked.com/funny-6959-5-types-customers-dreaded-by-grocery-store-cashiers/

Fuck extreme couponers, seriously.


http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/the-most-soul-crushing-things-about-working-retail

There is no God in retail.


http://www.complex.com/style/2013/01/10-ways-to-piss-off-a-retail-employee/

Number One: Just be a customer.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ReU9ucRzU4

Funny video from Australia. See, dumb shit in retail happens everywhere in the world!


Enjoy the links everyone. Hopefully it warms your black little hearts a little bit.

But There Was Dignity in Plastic Seats That Day

One thing I can't stand is someone insulting my intelligence. For some reason it just really grates my cheese when people look down upon me just because I work a retail job. I'm college educated and a hair away from receiving a degree (HOLLA AT HIGHER LEARNING!) For the majority of people out there, especially students, we need retail jobs because they offer flexible scheduling and there's always one out there. No one chooses this as a career. No, it's just a way to get a paycheck and keep oneself in cheap beer ("Mmmm...PBR" said no one ever) and food. However some customers seem to think that a person working in retail is stupid and therefor has the right to talk down to them. Really, no one has any right to talk down to anyone but some people feel it is their life's mission to be a complete jackass to those around them. In short, don't talk to people like they are morons. Unless they really are one and in that case carry on. Here's a little ditty about a time someone called me stupid...




Johnny Cash says it best.

Common Sense is Not So Common

I'm a fairly intelligent person. Always got good grades but alas, my laziness and "fuck 'em all" attitude has kept me from realizing my true potential (Actual quote from my mother. Thanks ma) so I've been a professional student the majority of my adult life while trying to figure out what I wanted to do. In the meantime, I've held a serious of jobs that sucked and did little more than make me question the moral nature of society. All the while I felt my brain slowly melting and kept up on reading and learning to keep myself from being a brain dead zombie. It's worked pretty well so far, I suppose. But there was one day at a previous job that really made me furious and question my own intelligence. Here's how the exchange went:

Me: Ok, your total comes to $49.95
Customer: The sign says $39.99
Me: Yes, but that is the price before tax.
Customer: That's not what the sign says.
Me: Yes, underneath it says "Price before taxes." You do have to pay tax here.
Customer: Unbelievable. You know, maybe if you got an education and were smarter you wouldn't work in a place like this.
Me: Ma'am, I'm in college plus I know how to read signs. I think I'm doing ok here. Perhaps you should brush up on your grasp of written words you would know what my sign clearly says.
Customer: How dare you! Where is your manager!?
Me: Hold on, I'll go get him.


I got a written warning that day for "insubordination" (not sure the boss really knows that that word meant) and being rude to a customer. I regret nothing.

What I did with my written warnings.
 



Is This the 5 O'Clock Free Crack Giveaway?

Bosses are a strange breed and it's luck of the draw as to what type you will have. There is rarely a middle a ground so often times you'll have one that's a raging jagoff or a super cool, laid back person. More so the raging jagoff. Here's a yarn about my first boss and what a fucking delight he was.

Cocaine is a Helluva Drug

I don't respond well to authority and part of that is because a lot of the authority figures in my life have been straight up jerks. Like my first boss. He was the general manager of a dollar store and acted as if he was the King of Siam. Not only did he yell at all the employees on a daily basis but he was also banging two of them despite be a married family man. On top of this he was stealing from the tills to fund his and his hoe-bags blooming cocaine habit. How did I know he was doing coke? Well my first inclination was when I walked into the break room and he was cutting up lines on the table I ate my sandwich at everyday. Real class act right there. This was kind of a weird experience as it was my first job and my first time dealing with a boss. To say it put me off bosses is putting it lightly.

In the end though he ended up firing me. He explanation was that I was a troublemaker and had missed too much time at work. Well, I had missed all that time because my fucking mother had just died and I was grieving with my family. He knew this too because I had told him. As for the troublemaker part, well, that's kind of true I suppose but out of all the employees there I was the most rational and sane. After I left he went on a coke binge, fired the entire staff and ended up getting arrested for possession. Moral of this story? Don't do coke. It turns you into more of a raving asshole than you may already be.

Only this man is allowed to do copious amounts of blow. RIP, super freak.
 

Don't Do What Donny Don't Does

Tired. Zero fucks given right now. You're probably feeling the same way so we're going to keep this post short and sweet. Not so much a post but more of a list of things customers do that drives us retail serfs crazy. So yeah, here we go...

1. Throwing money on the counter.
I'm not some lady of the night you can just throw cash at. I am a gentleman (or lady, whichever you prefer) and should be treated as such. Hand me the money like a human being.

2. Speaking down to me.
We're both humans so let's treat each other with some respect. I'm an educated and well meaning citizen just trying to do my job and the instant you treat me like an idiot is the second I start treating you like an asshole.

3. Leaving the cart out in the parking lot.
Seriously, just bring it back in. It would sure be swell especially if the store doesn't have a cart corral. Plus you get exercise. Bonus fitness!

4. Letting me know another store has the item you want cheaper.
Then go there. Don't come here and waste my time and yours.

5. Interrupting our breaks.
This is the only shining moment we have on shift so if you see a clerk hightailing it to the back leave them alone. Getting in there way has serious consequences (like them doing very little to help you out.)

There's more, probably. If I think of anymore I'll extend the post. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to pass out.

That's all? I do that amount in an hour.

I Saw the Sign

Part of being a functioning member of society is understanding signs around us. I'm not talking about the visual cues or subtle nuances from that cute barista. (She's just not that into you, bro) What I'm talking about are signs that give direction and purpose, like a stop sign or Do Not Feed the Animals. They are all around us and give us the steps and directions we need in life to avoid getting hit by a car or falling down a manhole (Ouch). We blindly follow these signs as they are engrained in us to obey without a second thought but there are other signs in our lives that we blatantly ignore. I'm talking about signs at a store. Whether it be for a sale or where the restroom is, the basic action from customers is to ignore all signs and pester the employees for answers. I know we're there to help but it would take far less time and not send us into murderous rage if people just read signs. I know we can all read (Well, unless you're illiterate.) so there's no excuse. Open your eyes, look at the sign and be on your way. With that, let's get to today's saga...

When the sign says "Don't Feed the Bears", man you better not feed them bears.

Sale Ends Thursday and Today is Friday

My current job is sales crazy. Every fucking day there's a sale on something. It's really a pain to keep a track of them and because of this there are constantly signs throughout the store so I can understand the frustration of a customer. What I will not stand for no reading the signs. It happens on a daily basis and it drives everyone up the wall. Let's add on top of that the fact that most of the signs are left up way past their dates and that seems to be THE ONLY THING THE CUSTOMER SEES. Out of everything else it's the one thing they focus on. Totes annoying.

So everyday we must argue with the customer that the sale is expired and we can't honor the price. Most are ok with it but every now and again you get someone with far too much time on their hands who wants to argue with you. Fuck off, for real. If people spent this much time and energy on other things there would probably be a cure for cancer. But not, let's have a fight about saving 80 cents on a jar of peanut butter. Seriously, fuck right on off.

Let's Have a Toast to the Douchebags

I enjoy a pint every now and then (more like now, right now) just like every red blooded American. Being in the retail industry one often turns to the good stuff in order to numb the pain of having to deal with the headaches of the workday. Be it at the pub with coworkers after an exceptionally long shift or alone, crying in your shower, alcohol helps sooth the pain of dealing with bullshit retail problems. There is a downside however. Sometimes one can get a little too dependent on the sauce and find it's the only way to get through a shift. So what I'm trying to tell you here is everything in moderation people. Have a Scotch every now and again but not 4 in one night (like me, shh). Find something else constructive to get the angries out. Might I suggest punching orphans or knitting? Again, everything in moderation. This all leads to today's story...

Starting a fight club is a great way to release stress.

Well I Like Drinking on a Monday Morning

For many a summers I worked on a boat. I did various jobs on the boat like tour guide, ticket sales, sea shanty chanteuse (say that 3 times fast) etc. The job kinda sucked but it offered the opportunity to make a decent amount of money, hang out with rad people and party all the time, just like that Eddie Murphy song suggested I do. The main downside is that the boats mainly catered to out of state tourists who are quite possibly the worst type of customer. They are frightened visitors with a false sense of suburban entitlement who feel the need to take their aggression out on you. An example was when a man tried to argue with me about the architectural history of a building. I mean, what would I know? I only lived in the city and gave the tour every fucking day whereas this man had read something in a tour guide (those things are bullshit, by the way) and fancies himself the next I.M. Pei. But, I digress.

One summer I got the chance to be a bartender on one of the charter boats. This was one of the prime jobs as it meant tips and the chance to steal liquor from the bar (almost everyone in the company was a substance abusing thief.) Finally I got my chance to be behind the bar, slinging drinks. Keep in mind I had no idea what the hell I was doing as I had no experience mixing drinks and having to talk to drunk people makes my skin crawl but I did it anyway, for a while at least until one afternoon when everything went to hell.

Every Sunday we had a brunch cruise or as we like to call it "Hell on the High Seas." It would be filled with annoying families and unlimited bacon. So, so much bacon. There were also bottomless Mimosas which gave old ladies an excuse to get shnockered at 11 AM. This particular day a girl who just turned 21 decided to take full advantage of the orgy of bacon and Mimosas and got a little out of hand.

About every 5 minutes she would come up to the bar and demand a new drink despite being told several times that a server would bring it to her. She would hear none of that and as time passed, and more liquor was consumed, her voice level got higher and the speech slurrier (not a word but let's run with it). The final time she came to the bar I asked her to sit down or I would have her removed from the dining room. She took that as a sign to grab a champagne glass, attempt to throw it at me and then slump over the bar while vomiting uncontrollably (fucking amateur hour shit right here). Luckily the boat's crew was right there and escorted the lovely young woman to the "brig" (it was just a room at the top of the ship where we put drunk/out of control guests) and let her sleep it off.

So I guess the moral of this story is don't eat a massive amount of bacon while consuming a bathtub full of cheap Champagne (Andre, ya'll!) Or do, but only if you're a licensed professional. Or if your hanging out with Tom Hanks.

This guy knows what's up.

The Keys to Life

Stop what you're doing and read this article right now: We treat you like a dick because you're acting like one  That's what it should have been titled anyway. To sum it up it basically says if you're going to be an asshole you will be treated as such. So don't act like an asshole. Use this way for other parts of your life as well. Oh, and if you go to a store and decide you don't want an item, don't just put it anywhere. Place it back in its proper home. Remember; someone's gotta put that back and it's super annoying to find ice cream in the feminine hygiene aisle. See? Not only do you get hilarious stories from this blog but also tips on life.

I Want to Marry my Bed

Not gonna lie gang, I'm a bit on the tired side. Silly me decided to get another job and it's full time with super early morning hours. Why did I do that? Well, it's doing something I love and it was a goal I've been shooting for a while. The best part? I can listen to whatever the fuck I want and don't have to talk to any customers. I'm living the dream here folks. What that means for today's post is that I'm tired and can't think of any humorous stories to share so I'm going to be lazy and do a FAQ. Let's go!


Why did you start this blog?
To share the pain/hilarity of my time in retail. Maybe get others to laugh and share their own stories.


Where do you work?
At a place that exchanges goods for legal tender. As I have stated before, I still have a job there and need to keep that information to myself.


Is working in retail really that bad?
Yes and No. I've had a lot of pleasant experiences working the retail/customer service racket. In fact, 99 out of 100 customers are great but there's always that 1 asshole who ruins it for everyone. Sometimes even 2, depending on the day, cycle of the moon, etc.


What would happen if your work found about this blog?
I would be fired and that would suck. Eating and having a place to live are pretty great so I'd like to keep doing those things.


Do you plan on working in retail forever?
Fuck no.


What are your plans for this blog?
I have no idea. Just seeing where it takes me. Hopefully a lucrative endorsement or a pile of cash.


How long have you worked in retail/customer service?
Far, far too long.


I have a question/story/killer chili recipe I'd like to share. How do I do that?
E-mail me at clicheguevara8@gmail.com  P.S. I do love chili.


What do you think will happen at the end of Breaking Bad?
Skylar and Jesse team up to destroy Walt but by then he will have become an almighty, all knowing wizard and cast them into the Cracks of Doom. Also, there will be ice cream (Note: I have never watched Breaking Bad.)


Who are some of your influences as you write this blog?
Dante Hicks, Malcolm Tucker (If you haven't watched 'The Thick of It' yet I highly suggest you stop what you're doing and find it on Netflix), Mostly any cynical smart ass.


That's it for today. I'll have an actual story tomorrow. In the meantime, here's an awesome picture of Prince drinking a Coke.

Oh how I love the internet.

The Running of the Bulls (If Bulls Were Savings Mad Consumers)

I've decided to have the first Black Friday feature be about a time I worked a Black Friday. For those of you not in the know, Black Friday is the day after Thanksgiving and when store decide to slash prices and have crazy sales. You'll often see a story on your local news of people camping outside a store a week beforehand just to get first dibs on what the retailer has to offer that year. It's really fucking crazy and stupid. My brother does this every year. I once went with him and we spent the evening huddled for warmth outside of a Wal-Mart so he could buy a $300 48" flat screen TV, or something like that. What I didn't mention is that where I'm from in November it's really goddamn cold. We're talking low 20's, easily. Long story short, it's a waste of time when you can easily shop on Cyber Monday (the Monday after Thanksgiving, plus you get to shop from the comfort of your home wearing nothing but underpants). Still a lot of people go apeshit for it. Not those of us who have to work during it. To us, it's like watching wild hyenas battle each other over a gazelle carcass. It's some crazy stuff and kind of makes you question where we stand as a society if we are willing to duke it out over material goods.

Outside a Target in KY, 2012. Two people were shot that night. The real tragedy is that someone in this era still rocks a mullet.

 

So without further ado, here's one of my Black Friday stories...

My Kingdom for a Cookie Jar

During college I worked at a major department store as seasonal help. We were warned by management that Black Friday was serious business and that people might go a little crazy during the day. I had never even heard of Black Friday and brushed this off as yet another instance of the managers blowing things out of proportion. Oh, how wrong I was.

Turns out I had to be at work at 3 AM that day. Who the fuck wants to be at work that early? Not me, that's for sure. When I drove into the parking lot there was already a line a block long of people waiting to get in at 4 AM. I was not prepared for that. I got out of the car and made my way in. As I was trying to enter, an elderly woman started screaming "HOW COME SHE GETS TO GO IN EARLY!?" motioning towards me. I told her I worked there but she still tried to push her way in. Nice try, ma'am, but you have to wait just like everyone else.

So I got in and manned my station at the register. At 4 AM a rush of people came in, running through the aisles, grabbing what the could of the sales items we had. One of those items was a snowman cookie jar that were selling for $6.99. Holy shit, you'd think we were selling sacks of cash the way these people were going insane for them. After about 10 minutes there were all gone and the line formed. One good thing about Black Friday is that you're so busy you don't even notice that you're shift flies by, so there's something good out of it. Anyway, during the madness a woman came up to me and demanded one of the cookie jars. Sorry, we're out. She then proceeded to slump down to the floor and begin sobbing/yelling at me. "I NEED THAT COOKIE JAR! YOU SHOULD HAVE HAD MORE! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME." Yes, we purposely set a certain amount so that you could specifically couldn't have one. We're evil geniuses like that.

No cookie jar? WHAT'S THE POINT OF LIVING?

 

I then called security. She was escorted out and vowed to sue the company for the treatment she received. Good luck with that. Maybe we'll see the case on Judge Joe Brown (That show rules!)

 

That Mysterious Stain on the Carpet Really Sets the Mood

We'll get to today's story in just a moment but I wanted to debut a new feature we'll be having here at the blog. Starting tomorrow (yay Friday. Oh wait, you work retail so Fridays don't exist. Ha, sucker.) we'll be rolling out our new "Black Friday" feature which will be stories from you, the reader. Or, if none of you dicks decide to send anything I'll just use a story from one of my friends. So if you'd like to share one of your retail horror stories, email me at clicheguevara8@gmail.com and I'll pick the best one. Your prize will be a gift certificate to the store you work at (Prize not valid in the US and doesn't actually exist.) With that out of the way let's get to the meat and potatoes.

 

Let's Make This Awkward for Everyone Involved

One of my favorite jobs ever was being a clerk at a video store. We got to watch movies all day and since our boss didn't really give two fuck about the place, we were pretty much free to do whatever we wanted. The only weird part about was that there was a section downstairs entirely dedicated to porn. A porn room, if you will. To top this off the owner was really sketchy and only hired females to work there since he had this backwards notion that if a man worked there all they would do is spend time in said room. That might be true back then, I guess. This was before the internet fully controlled our lives. Anyway, there was a porn room. It had saloon style doors but you could see into the room of sin through the top and bottom of the doors. It really has useless. Plus we always had to stop teenage boys from trying to sneak in there (maybe the owner was right.) There were also creeps that came in and jacked it to the boxes and spent way too much time looking around but that became the norm. However there was this one time shit got a little to cray.

At this point I had been made a closing supervisor which really just meant I got to count money and sit in the office and abuse the phone by making long distance calls (I AM RESPONSIBLE) so really it was a bullshit title. One day another girl and I were working the closing shift and we were hanging out at the counter waiting for the clock to strike 11, when we closed. With about 10 minutes before the chance of escape a couple walks in looking to rent a movie. Fine, what the fuck ever, just make it snappy. They then make there way to the porn room, which is kinda strange because we never saw women go in there let alone a couple. This piqued our interest so we went to the top of the stairs to look and see what they were doing. I really wish we hadn't because as soon as we did we saw the woman on her knees pleasuring her gentleman friend. EW. As disgusting as it was we couldn't turn away and she was really going to town. At that point the urge to leave outweighed seeing that shitshow so I got on the intercom and said "Sorry to interrupt your fun time down there amongst stranger's ejaculation stains but we're closing now." They quickly got up and left. Thank goodness.

Take your filth to Blockbuster, ya sickos!

And the Lord Said Unto Them...

Today let's talk about our fellow employees in the retail trenches. These people are your fellow cohorts in the daily stupidity and shenanigans you'll experience in the workplace. Often times you'll be each others sounding board on that particularly douchey customer or another example of your manager's complete ineptitude. They will often be your partners in crime in slacking off at work or drowning your sorrows after shift at the pub. Hell, some of my best friends I've met have been through our shared time in a hellish retail environment. They are needed allies in your fight against human stupidity and will get you through anything.



Let's smile really creepily at the customers. It will be hilarious!




 

There is however the flip side of this. Often times you'll encounter some real assholes you have decided to work in your store. Be it the know it all lifers (Seriously, you could do any other job on the planet. Why put yourself through this as a career?) the backstabbers, willing to rat you out to the boss the first chance they get, or just plain ol' dummies. One will encounter every single one of these in any sort of retail environment. They all suck and fuck them. This is why it is crucial to find that other person you work with a shared distaste for people in general. Seriously, it may be one of the only things that can get you through the day at work.

I bring this up because I've dealt with a spectrum of good and bad employees both as a co worker and as a manager. Yes, I was once management (boooo, hiss.) C'mon though, do you think I would put other people through the shitty way I was treated when I was at the bottom of the ladder? Never. Mama didn't raise no fool. I've even dealt with some real winners as a manager. Here's a yarn about one:

Jesus, Take the Wheel

In another life, I managed people. I told them what to do and where to be at certain times of the day. It was really weird and enthralling. All this power but really nothing to back it up. Anyway, during one summer day I went out to one of the positions of my place of employment to check on a troublesome employee. He was a pain in the ass because he constantly showed up late, was a moron and just generally irksome. A few days before all this I caught him sleeping in a storage closet during his shift. That's some pretty crafty shit right there but not during the summer, which was our peak time of business. Anywho, I went out to check on him only to find him not there. This guy left his cash register for all the world to see and possibly think about stealing. I asked the other people on shift where he might have been and they had no idea as this was a really busy day for us. So I went on the search...

I ended up finding him in the parking garage adjacent to work. He was just standing there, doing nothing, which in turn caused me to see red. I demanded to know what the hell he was doing and why he had left work. He responded "I needed a moment with Jesus."

I NEEDED A MOMENT WITH JESUS

No, no, no. Take your moment with Jesus during your break or on your own time, not during a shift. I really wasn't sure what to say after that. It was so random that I was taken aback and needed a moment to think of a response. I rubbed my temples and told him to clean out his locker and leave immediately. Oh, and don't bother coming back because you're fired. There, now you can have all the free time you want with Jesus.

Sorry you lost your job bro, but I'm kinda busy.

Let's Get Creepy

Is it just me or do people lose their minds when they go out shopping? We often see numerous stories, especially during the Christmas season, of people trampling over each other to get a deal on the hot item of the year. It's really fucking scary that people would resort to this sort of behavior in public. Now just imagine you're working there and witness this crazy shit. We would gasp in horror but for the majority of us the anti-social behavior of shoppers has deaden us to any sort of chaos.

I NEED THAT $5 TOASTER!

                                                                                          

Then again, there are the few instances in which a person goes above and beyond crazy and it really gets to us retail workers. The following is one of my stories:

IT PUTS THE LOTION ON IT'S SKIN OR IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN!

My first job was at a dollar store when I was 17. I really had no interest in working there but my mother insisted I not spend the summer loafing around her couch. So she marched in there and demanded they give me a job. They did, hoo-fucking-ray (sarcasm doesn't translate well over the internet.)

Thus began my illustrious career in the retail world. Everyday I would go in, push buttons on a register and wish I was anywhere but there. It was really the easiest job in the world and despite customers trying to haggle me down on the price (It's a fucking a dollar, simmer down) I had no problem with it. Until one day, I had a very strange encounter...

I was standing at the register, checking out a customer, as per usual. Let me say that this woman was around 300 pounds, sweaty and hardly wearing any clothes. Granted it was mid-July but still, c'mon lady. Anyway, as I told her the total she reached into her tank top, then her bra and proceeded to hand me a very wet and moist wad of bills. Inside my head I was screaming, inside my stomach I was trying to hold in vomit. As I reluctantly took her sweaty boob money, she grabbed my hands and said this to me: "You've got really soft hands." Now would be the time my head exploded into a thousand pieces. She then asked what sort of lotion I used. I calmly moved my hands back and told her Jergens, put the money in the till and signaled for the next customer in line.

Love the skin you're in but don't fucking touch me.

.

This still haunts me to this day and may explain why I don't like being touched by people.

Was There Anything I Can Help You Find Today?

Welcome!

First off, let me welcome you all to the blog. What the intended purpose of my writing is to basically bitch and moan about working a retail/customer service job. I would like to point out that I am grateful to have a job and about 60% of what it entails isn't that bad. However, the other 40% of it far out shadows the good. That being said, this blog will be about shitty customers, terrible coworkers, incompetent management, etc. Names and dates will be changed to protect the innocent, namely me as I am still employed at my job. I'll also throw in some stories about my former jobs in retail/customer service and those are a doozie. There will also be tales from my friends and colleagues as well as you, the reader. Again, names and all that jazz will be changed so as not to identify the person. So, with all that being said let's get to the good stuff.

How Much is that Dead Doggie in the Window?

A few weeks ago my place of work kept getting phone calls everyday from the same customer. Normally this isn't a big deal but what this woman was asking for was a bit strange. She was looking for one of these...

You're probably wondering what that is. It's a fucking urn for a dog's ashes. Creepy, no? This is probably an item you want to ask your vet about where to get one. Seems like a logical idea right? Wrong. This woman kept calling insisting we had them or at least an item similar to it. Now granted, my store sells a lot of crazy shit but dog urns are not one of them.


On the 4th day she had called I had the luck of answering the phone when she called. I kept it calm and civil as I do with most of the batshit loonies that call/come in. As the call progressed she grew more and more irate that I could not find the item she was looking for. I get that you're upset ma'am but yelling to a stranger on the phone isn't going to help matters. I suggested a few options for her such as a jewelry box or other small wooden box but she wasn't having any of it.


After about 15 minutes of this back and forth she proceeded to tell me about the dog and it's life. This isn't something I prepared to hear first thing in the morning. I also felt bad because I like dogs and losing one sucks. However, let's not forget the fact that if you die and no one finds the body quickly a dog will eat you. Cats too. Never forget that folks.


Finally I had enough and put the phone down while she continued to yammer away. I went and got a cup of coffee and attempted to regain my senses. She was still talking when I picked up the phone. At that point the store was about to open so I kindly suggested a few places for her to look and to I don't know, CALL YOUR VET AS THEY WILL KNOW WHERE TO GET A DOG URN! She thanked me and hung up the phone. For the rest of the day this bizarre little vignette stuck with me. I've heard a lot of crazy things in my time and this probably goes down in the top 10.